Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
