Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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