i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
