i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
