I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
