I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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