You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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