i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
