I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
