When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
