1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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