My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
