My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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