The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
