we're chasing vodka with high fives
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
