What did we do last night that was yellow?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
