So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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