we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
