Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
