Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You may now shotgun with the bride
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
