I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
