dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize