Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
