apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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