I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
