I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
