Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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