I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I party with great urgency now.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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