i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
