my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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