I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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