They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
