So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
