Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
