I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
