so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
