I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
