wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
