My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
