i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
