lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
