I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
