you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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