He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I currently don't understand fingers.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
