Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
