Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
