Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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