if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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