When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
