No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
