i think my tv is drunk
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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